Avoiding What You Don't Want (or Getting What You Want)

It's easier for your brain to orient towards doing something than it is for it to orient towards *not* doing something.

Your brain is action oriented.

It will seek out whatever it is you're focusing on, so if there is a behavior or pattern you want to stop doing, it will continue to orient towards that behavior or pattern if your intention is to not do that thing.

The solution to changing what your brain seeks out, if you want to not do something, is to take time to ask yourself,

"If I don't want to do this, what do I want instead?"

For example, I spent most of my life saying, "I don't want to end up in a relationship like my parents," and I actively sought out people who were not like my parents.

However, when I recognized that the people I was dating were not actually a good match for me and started seeking out people who were better fits, I ended up in a relationship similar to my parents. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Of course, since I am not my parents and have worked to heal myself, the relationship is not the same, but it has some similarities which trigger old wounds.

In order to keep the peace within myself and my relationship, I realized that I couldn't keep orienting toward "not wanting to be like my parents" because that wasn't an actionable intention.

What did I want instead?

I wanted relationships with authentic people that were kind, loving, compassionate, with clear communication and respect for each others' authenticity.

Having this new direction to orient towards gave me actionable items I could implement in my relationship and helped calm my nervous system because then it wasn't always on high alert to "Holy shit this is like my parent's relationship and now I'm stuck and don't know what to do."

(Yes, you are never stuck, but when your fight/flight, etc response kicks in, it's challenging to remember that.)

So if you know there is something you don't want, ask yourself, "What do I want instead?" so your brain has something actionable to orient towards.

What DO you want?

I invite you to share with me in the comments below! 👇🏽