On Colin Kaepernick Speaking About His Adopted Parents' Racism

Yesterday I saw a news headline stating, "Colin Kaepernick Calls Out Adoptive Parent's Racism as He Promotes New Graphic Novel".

I read the article and my immediate thought was, "Oh Lord...I bet that comment section is going to be a mess with a lot of mean comments telling him he should be grateful." 🙄

That's exactly what it was.

Comments were written that said,

"How absolutely disrespectful of the loving parents that gave him everything. I didn’t think he could get any lower. "

"He’s blaming the people who chose him. The ones responsible for feeding, clothing & shelter. To the point he became an elite NFL quarterback. It’s like his birth parents felt a disturbance in the force and knew he was no good. He wants to see racism & abuse. They should have left him in foster homes."

"So, a White couple adopted him, fed, clothed and did all of the endless things parents do, and this ingrate throws them under the bus, and 'backs up' over them to make sure he nailed them. What a terrible thing to do…likely will make some people rethink adopting babies, if they turn out so spiteful and hateful."

My heart hurts ya'll. For him, for me, for other transracial adoptees.

This narrative of "You should be grateful" is common for adoptees.

This vitriol from outsiders should adoptees speak to anything wrong about their adopted family is common.

The saviorism whyte culture has built around adoption is incredibly harmful to adoptees, and just because you adopt a child of a different race does NOT mean you aren't racist.

Because here's the thing - Racism is not just saying overtly mean and harmful things.

We all know what those are. Most people know they are bad things to say, or at the very least, if they believe them, they know not to say those sorts of things in public.

Racism is also microaggressions, and as a transracial adoptee who grew up in the super white Midwest, microaggressions happened ALL THE TIME.

AND IN MY ADOPTED FAMILY.

Growing up, I was told,

"You're our China doll." (I just want to note here that I am adopted from Taiwan, not China. They are two different countries.)

"He likes you because you're exotic. He's never seen anyone like you before."

A few years ago, I had a family member who adopted an Asian child tell me, "I adopted because of you. I wanted a China doll of my own." 🙃

(That relative follows me on socials, so just in case they follow me here, I want to say that I didn't say anything at the time because I rarely see this relative, plus there wasn't enough time and I didn't have enough energy to go into why that was problematic. My face was just 😬.)

Statements like these absolutely affected how I see myself, my relationships with others, and how I move through this world.

It definitely made me less aware of when people are being microaggressive because when you grow up being told things like this, it seems normal and you accept it as such.

Statements like calling your child a "China doll" turns that person into an object and subconsciously tells them, "You're here for us. You belong to us. You are an object to be used and shown off, you do not belong to yourself."

I have been acutely aware most of my life that my "exotic" looks can help me navigate this world, and I remember there came a point in my later adulthood where I realized I objectified myself.

Thinking about my childhood now, I wonder, "How much of my mom's rage at me being an outgoing tomboy was subconsciously increased by the stereotype of Asian women being submissive and docile?"

(My mom was deeply entrenched in societal gender roles, and told me things like, "Good girls don't go out after dark, and they don't run around with boys." Meanwhile, my teen years were spent playing video games until 2am at my best guy friend's house and fixing cars and doing "dude shit", and my mom was emotionally abusive when I didn't fit into whatever her "good girl identity du jour" was for me.)

Look, I don't believe anyone means harm when they say things like this, especially if they're saying them to their child, and you have to go back to intention vs impact.

The intention may be good, but the impact resonates throughout the rest of the adoptee's life.

Since there are so many nuanced layers to the adoptee experience, there's no way you can separate out how much microaggressions from their parents affect who they are today, but it makes an impact.

That's why it's so important for people considering adoption, especially transracial adoption, to do the lifelong work of dismantling systems of oppression inside themselves and to listen to adoptee stories and believe them.

Adoptive parents are people who live in these systems of oppression.

Whatever is happening in the societal macro will be mirrored inside the familial micro.

As a society, we need to dismantle the savior narrative around adoption.

We need to stop believing that adoptees should be grateful because someone gave them food, shelter, clothing, and hopefully love (because that's not always the case) when their birth parents didn't have the resources to support that.

We need to release binary thinking that people are good or bad. People are both and all and Everything Everywhere All at Once.

Parents who adopt can have great intentions, love, and care for their adopted child AND also be racist in microaggressive ways.